Itty-bitty sprouts

I found myself this morning peering intently at my beuganvillea. Or, to be more accurate,  what is left of  my beuganvillea.

When the freeze warnings were posted in January I dutifully covered this plant.  More than dutifully actually as I love this 20 year old plant that was so large and full of blooms that it required three queen size sheets to shroud it.

Despite covering and keeping it protected through the four nights of temperatures well below freezing ~ an extremely unusual occurrence here in Scottsdale Arizona ~ the frost damage was extensive. So extensive that after pruning the deadwood what I was looking at early this morning was a trellis with some greyish stalks leaning into wood slats.  If I needed to shroud it today a large pillow case rather than three queen size sheets would work perfectly.

Despite this new reality of a starkly pruned plant, what I was starring at this morning were the tiny promises of new life emerging on the thick old stalks ~ itty-bitty feathers of reddish leaves.  As I looked more closely I saw near the bottom of the plant, green leaves emerging and slowly creeping their way up the stalks. Looking more closely a new wonder emerged; each leaf was a trinity of new life having a set of foundation leafing and within that a newer set of leaves and in that center, more budding life.

Awe filled my Spirit as the reality of life growing anew from the apparently dead stalks became evident.  In time, the beuganvillea will again offer it's colorful beauty to life.

Important in the above are the words "in time.". Today I see emerging life: itty- bitty sprouts of new growth, yet it will take time - most likely a couple cyclings of all four seasons, before it is large and lush and bestowing on the yard it's full glory of fuscia collored blooms.

Writing this musing I am reminded how appreciation and enjoyment of living is dependent on my choice of how I see:  do I focus on the starkness of the loss of old glory?  Do I cling to my sense of failure of not being able to protect the once glorious plant?  Do I allow loss of what gave me both pride and pleasure to become resentment or a jaded attitude of disappointment?

Even clinging to the misguided, though well-intended, 'seeing' of only the future lush blooms will become discouraging because that particular reality is way off in the future ~ a future that could include another devastating freeze before my ideas of full glory have had enough seasons to develop.

So, I wonder, what am I actually seeing today?  I see holiness.  Holiness evident as wholeness: tiny sprouts of life emerging from old grey stalks.  I see the mystery of life proclaiming It's promise in the same manner we human beings are blessed with the fullness of living if we are but willing to let go of our human expectations, misperceptions and impatience.

I am reminded of the prophet Isaiah proclaiming "I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it?   And I am then reminded of the other prophet Ezekiel proclaiming God's promise "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you: I will  remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."

My pruned beauganvillea reminds me that both prophesies are true when we are willing to be pruned ~ have the heart of stone removed ~ and when we are willing to receive a new way of seeing that perceives itty-bitty sprouting new life.  And, probably most importantly, am I open to the holiness of the grace of life ~ the blessings ~ within today?

Fifth Day of Christmas - 12/29

A beckoning star: a light shining in darkness.  A Light whose energy tugs at something buried so deeply within my self I had forgotten it's power.  No, not entirely true: I had run from it's power; I had exchanged the creative power of "my inmost self" for the comfortable security of the world's power.

Allowing ourselves to be open and willing to be called: beckoned: summoned is one of the themes of the Christmas season; a journey leading to Epiphany.  Epiphany, the feast of the Wise Men or Magi who left their kingdoms to follow a star leading them to the stable where Jesus: the Christ child, lay is another of the great stories where the juicy part has been sucked out and most of us only recall the ending.  The ending, where the kings present their gifts to the Christ child is lovely, however it is has little significance for our living if we don't dive into the darkness.

Stars shine most brightly in darkness.  I was reminded of this truth while in Sedona a couple weeks ago and the light pollution from the city was absent so I experienced darkness with clarity;  depth allowing layers of stars to be seen.  If I want to be metaphorical here (and I do) I can say that the light pollution in the city which obscures the depth of the light in the night sky, is like the activity-pollution of our living which obscures the 'still small voice' within our being.

The 'still small voice' within whispers even more softly than our conscience; that part of self which we sometimes hear arguing  with our ego-self.  The 'still small voice' is our Spirit voice; the voice of our being that remembers our original story of living; our purpose for being created and sent to live on earth. Our Spirit voice requires stillness to be heard; no activity, no television, no computer - nothing but being.

I have shared that twenty-five years or so ago I began setting my alarm for thirty minutes before the house awakened in order to sit in stillness on the patio.  My goal at the time was to fit into my living thirty minutes of sanity: a time when 'me' was not being called by the demands of children, husband, house and work. The 'me' I was desiring a relationship with had nothing to do with God, I was desiring to experience the me who loved to think and to read and write.

I did in fact discover and renew a relationship with that 'me', but as the relationship deepened sipping coffee in silence as a new day was born and eventually beginning again to write in a journal, I also glimmered a Living Presence that was much larger that 'me.'  This Living Presence was deeply personal; the God who lived within the gifts of me; the God who had created me and desired to be in relationship.  The God who had beckoned me onto the patio during a time I was experiencing a darkness of despair in my living: the God I came to experience as a beckoning Light.

No one is exactly sure how long the Magi's journey took as they followed the star; the beckoning Light high in the darkness of sky .Story tells us they came from the East and therefore it is assumed it took a long time; months or maybe years. From my vantage point of being sixty years of age, this 'long journey' they made is one of the grand hopes we are blessed with for within it I hear that life unfolds mysteriously and over sometimes long stretches of our living. Our job is to make ourselves available to being present to the unfolding.

In the nativity narrative we are reminded that each of us has a means of being present to this mysterious unfolding. We are also reminded that when we are truly present to The Mystery, we humans will be frightened or terrified. Four times the Gospels telling the stories of the unfolding of conception, carrying, birthing and announcing of New Life the persons involved are told some form of 'do not be afraid.'  I have always been grateful for these words of kindness and understanding for without them I would have long ago given up my early morning time and remained snuggled in my comfortable cocoon: my living only partially awake to the fullness of life.

I have learned that I need to deliberately removed myself from my cocoon in order to be present and still to hearing the kind assurance of God: 'do not be afraid, I have found favor with you.' And so I have taken to heart what Mary taught us: to treasure up the blessings of each day and to ponder upon them in gratitude. Without regular, hopefully daily, times of stillness it is virtually impossible to respond to the beckoning light tugging and releasing the creative power of God within. Why do we become frightened? Because the shell of your ego-self will crack open in order for the dormant life to grow it's life toward the Light: cracking open may feel rather uncomfortable and so we need to regularly drink the Good News watering our seed of self.

The Good News in all of this? God is lovingly gracious and always present if we simply make the effort of being available and remaining available. The other Good News?  We have lots and lots of stories of people who have gone before us showing us the way: each of us is individual and unique, however we are not alone on the journey.  Even the Wise Men were three or possibly four or maybe even twelve - no one is quite sure - but the story again tells us that we are not alone on this human/divine journey.

Fourth Day of Christmas - 12/28

IT COSTS SO much to be a full human being that there are very few who have
the courage to pay the price. One has to abandon
altogether the search for security and reach out to the risk of living with
both arms open. One has to embrace the world like a lover. One has to accept
pain as a condition of existence. One has to court doubt and darkness as the
cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to
total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying.

Morris West

This is one of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite authors {and I will apologize right now as the quote copy will make this post appear longer.} I love his beautifully written description of 'heart-courage.'  Courage, as a word, is derived from the French word 'couer' meaning heart.  All true  courage is grown in our heart. 


Faith requires courage; the courageous faith Mary, Joseph and Elizabeth had. The kind Zacharias did not have. It took time for Zacharias to cultivate courage in order to move from belief into faith. His growing of courage for living his faith took a few months, but oh how lovely when it took root and his tongue was loosened.  When he was asked the  name of the child, he responded as the angel had said (and he had rejected) and then prophesied about his son John who would be called the Baptizer: "And you child will be called prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare his ways; to give to His people the knowledge of salvation by the forgiveness of their sins, Because of the tender mercy of our God." (Luke 1:76-78)

Talk about courageous! Few people were more courageous than John the Baptist.  I wrote that sentence and then thought, actually scripture and most especially the Gospels and New Testament are full of courageous persons who risked everything to live their story, went through my mind. Come to think of it, the New Testament is actually the first set of action adventure Super Hero books.

What  was the story God gave these people in our scripture stories? What was the 'power' that made them the original super heroes?  One day the disciples asked Jesus what was the most important commandment.  And Jesus responded, "I give you but one command, love one another as I have loved you."  As I.  Three tiny letters forming an entire injunction of how to live for 'as' means in the manner of.  Love in the manner of Jesus. 

Now, I am fully aware I am not ever going to live and love as totally as Jesus, for even in human form, he was God: Emmanuel - God among us.  But, I don't think Jesus expected perfection of his disciples; I believe his expectation was passion, that they desire to love God as passionately as humanly possible. The capacity for loving passionately was their super power.

Again, like yesterday you might ask; what does this have to do with this little season of Christmas?  Haven't we skipped way ahead in the story?  Yes and no. Yes, we've skipped ahead but only to remind ourselves that the intention of these two beginning seasons in the liturgical calendar: Advent and Christmas, are to prepare ourselves for walking the full year of learning to live God's love. 

We prepare for our year's journey by cultivating courage of the heart,.  The need for heart-courage is one of the reasons I love that Zecharias is one of the major players in the Nativity Story.  I understand Zecharias: his rebellious and angry "how can this be?" when Elizabeth; barren all their married life and now past the age of conceiving tells him she is pregnant.  I understand Zecharias' demand for certainty when the angel announced to him that Elizabeth will have a son: "how will I know this for certain?" I can hear his mind thinking "prove this ridiculous thing to me" for I have also said that to God.  Zecharias believed, but he did not YET have faith in that which is irrational. True faith rarely makes rational sense when we go to LIVE it.

Again, we return to Mary, the woman of great quietly courageous faith, able to say yes to the unexpected Angel and yes to God and to conceive, and carry, and birth that which made no sense.  

Mary continued to do the action which had grown her courageous heart and spirit big enough to say yes to the angel: "she treasured up these things and pondered them in her heart."  This is how we begin to grow heart-courage: we pray and treasure up the inexplicable blessings of love given each day. We sit in stillness, rocking newly born life and ponder the mysterious unfolding of God in our own life.

Third day of Christmas ...12/27

One of the I reasons I resonate so deeply to Mary's response: and she "treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart," is I have learned, professionally and personally, that the treasures of our heart and what we ponder determines virtually all of our living.

Many years ago my professional life involved understanding what makes human beings 'tick.'  The majority of this professional life was working in churches but I also worked in the field of alcoholism and drug recovery.  Either way what I learned was that we human beings are an awfully lot like squirrels: we continually scrounge around for fallen 'nuts' and hide them away in a secret cache, which is 'to treasure up.'

Like squirrels who hoard found nuts, what we fill our 'cache' with becomes our food for living. Being human rather than a squirrel means we are complex beings created with the ability to choose which nuts to leave behind and which to hoard. The ego-self, which is concerned with looking good and surviving comfortably, tends to seek nuggets proving our worth to the world, our pride of possession or titles, fortune, fame or just plain living up to cultural standards of 'looking good.'  Unfortunately, these 'treasures' do not offer many nutrients for the soul and tend to intensify the ego's fear of loss.

What I also know is that we cannot get rid of our ego: if you're human and functioning you're going to have an ego. Therefore the intention is not to get rid of our ego, but to have it become the servant rather than the master of our living. God apparently knew this for God created us as complex beings.  Yes, the ego-self is real but so too are our heart and our spirit. When balanced, all three components of being human function toward wholeness.

The only thing I know of that is stronger than the ego-self as master, is the Spirit of God's love and Goodness: the intention therefore is to feed the heart and Spirit so they become larger and larger and the ego-self thinner and thinner. All you really need for living is a thin, permeable skin of an ego-self.

The picture above is a rocking chair overlooking some beautiful scenery.  The image evokes a sense of stillness and peace.  I chose this image because I know the way of enlarging the heart so it opens and expands to receive the Spirit of God's goodness, is to create a time of stillness every day dedicated to this single intention. Stillness is absolutely essential to allowing our inmost self to awaken.

Our essential spirit - the inmost self God created to live in our heart - when first aroused is a timid creature; it shies away from noise and activity and easily becomes wary and skittish.  Unless it feels safe, it will fold itself into a protective cocoon. In the cocoon it remains alive but becomes dormant and unavailable for our living.  Once awakened, like a newly born infant it needs to be held close and rocked to the beating of our heart. This time of rocking our Spirit in stillness is where we, like Mary, become able to treasure up the goodness of God; we count our blessings, we recall the miracles of living and we ponder the mystery of God unfolding in our life.

And what you may ask does all this have to do with this tiny season of 12 days leading us to Epiphany? Well, there are two stories happening here in this little season.  One story is of new life being born within our heart . New life is uncomfortable; boggling our preconceived notions and upsetting routines of thought and feeling. Tending new life requires holding it closely to our body, rocking gently and singing it lullabies of love. The other story is of the Wise Men who left all that defined them (the ego-self) in order to follow a star and bring both the gifts of their heart and the great affirmation of what the birth in that stable in Bethlehem meant to the world.

Birthing new life (Mary's story) and living the truth of our 'inmost self' (the Wise Men's story) requires a heart that has come alive with God's Spirit of love and goodness.  The first step toward God's Spirit being alive and real within our heart is the simple step of creating space: we choose to spend some time each day in stillness and open ourselves in gratitude to God.

The lines from a poem I shared a couple weeks ago keep running through my mind: "make in my heart a mystic place, of self and sin swept bare.  Where I may look upon Thy face and talk with Thee in prayer."

Second Day of Christmas 12/26

Despite all the food consumed, the ripped wrapping paper and the shedding tree, the true Christmas season begins today.  This tiny season is a 12 day reflective journey leading to Epiphany, the feast celebrating the arrival in Bethlehem of the three Kings. We call these kings the Wise Men, who according to the world's wisdom were foolish rather than wise for they left their kingdoms, power and comforts to following a star beckoning their hearts and spirits.

There are a couple important experiences recorded in this tiny season's story: three affirmations and two cautions.

The Christ child has been born and the shepherds, hearing the Angels announce: "Today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger",  and they went to see if this was true.

Up to now in the story, this conception and birth as the fulfillment of the long awaited promise has been privately held within a very small circle: Mary, Elizabeth and Zechariah and Joseph.  Now word of of this great gift is widening into a larger circle.

Radiating circles of awareness is the theme of this journey. Little by little experiences of affirmation will be experienced during this little season. Each affirmation is not only a blessing to Mary and Joseph, but also an experience expanding what is known and understood. Allowing awareness to expand is one theme of this tiny journey.

The second theme comes as the Feast of Epiphany ends but the message is essential to understanding the importance of this little journey as it is a warning to us all.  Both Joseph and The Kings were told in a dream and by angels: "do not return by the way you came."

Returning is an interesting caution and from my experience, can be taken a couple different ways.  One is to remember that the Liturgical calendar; a yearly circular walking of the story of God and human beings interacting begins ANEW every year with the season of unexpected conception, pregnancy and birth: Advent.  I believe built into this design is a caution to not become complacent: do not return to last year's ways or as Isaiah said: "Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past.  Behold, I will do something new, Now it springs up; Do you not perceive it?"  Willingness to open ourselves to unexpected experiences of blessing is essential to our journey of growing with God.

Another way of hearing the caution of returning is the temptation which happens to me about this point in new learning: it seems as though I have done enough, the chaos is tiresome and couldn't I please just have things be comfortable.  About this point in a journey of learning to perceiving life differently, discomfort is beginning to be felt: my inner compass is out of whack and feeling lost or about to lose my bearings is annoyingly common.  Comfortable routines are but a memory and what once was "okay" is now feels boring or irritating. New life may be joyous but it is rarely comfortable.

There is a glorious line in the Nativity narrative telling us exactly how to keep ourselves from returning to our old ideas. The shepherds, leaving their fields and flocks, arrive at the stable and exactly as the angels told them, they see the child wrapped in swaddling clothes. No doubt everyone present is now chattering away about angels and tidings and birthings and babies: for this is what we human beings do.

"But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart."

'Treasured up and pondered in her heart'; this beautifully poetic line shows how to 'not return by the way we came.'  We begin the twelve days of Christmas by pondering our Advent journey: what gifts did you receive?  Has some new awareness, need or love been conceived?  How has the gift manifested and grown? How will you make room for what has been offered?  Do you need to do anything to tend the gift?

If you don't have the white candle for the middle of your Advent wreath, I'd suggest getting yourself a candle for this twelve day journey.  This is the Christ Candle, the flame acknowledges the promise has been fulfilled.  The time of lighting each day would be a lovely way to begin pondering what is within your heart.  If you have a notebook or journal, the questions above might be fun to write about.  Whatever you do however, remember the caution to not return by the way you came, for a new thing is happening and our task is to learn to perceive it.

Christmas Eve

Have you ever thought about the wondrous gift God gave us by allowing His Son, Jesus to be born in a stable? For me, the stable is a wonderful image of hope. Let me tell you a story.

I was about 21 and in a terrible relationship: living with a young man who was an alcoholic.  I was in the early stages of alcoholism and also getting to play the role of the Alanon - I hated my life.  Yet, as much as I disliked the situation I was in, my pride (not to mention stupidity) kept me from going to my parents because they were angry with my decision to live with him.  Pride and stubbornness kept me stuck and miserable, as well as the financial reality that my name was on the lease.  To me there was no way out of my miserable living.

One day we had a terrible fight and in anger I picked up a heavy glass ashtray and flung it at him. It missed him by barely an inch and that was only because he ducked. Horrified at my action that clearly could have seriously injured him, I ran from the apartment and down the stairs to a patch of grass where I began to sob: not crying but heaving sobs of rage and self loathing.

I had not prayed since I had begun drinking and behaving in ways that went completely against my values, but as I sobbed I heard my voice saying: "God, whatever you created in me that makes me me, is dying.  And if I stay here it will be dead - the me you made will die. Please don't let it die."

The next day (yes, the very next day !), with courage and strength I knew was not mine, I packed up my stuff and moved back into my parents house.  I would love to tell you that all was instantly well, but, I'm a slow learner: the champion of baby steps.  It would be two years before I was able to accept the gift of sobriety and truly begin to have my life turn around. But my slowness is not the point of the story (though some might find it encouraging.)

The point is that God heard the sobbing prayer of my heart and gave me the grace and ability to do what I had not been able to do: God did for me what I, in my shame and pride, had been unable to do. The part of me that God made as me: my one-of-a-kind 'inmost self', remained alive.  And this story is why I am very grateful that Jesus was born in a stable.

If Jesus: the Son of God: the Long Awaited Messiah and Emmanuel; God with us, was born in an unused stall in the animal's stable why should we even for a second, balk at the idea that God desires to live in the poverty of our humanness.  Clearly as I learned sitting in despair on that patch of grass, you don't have to dress up for God, in fact your life can be as ugly as mine was and God will happily meet you.  All God asks is that we desire Him with all our heart and offer our humble humanness as His home.

Today in the Nativity narrative, Mary and Joseph, tired from their long journey and on the verge of giving birth, went from inn to inn asking if they could please have a room.  Over and over they were told no: the inn was full. Finally, one kindly person, taking the time to think of possibilities, offered a stall stabling his animals.

Today, the story we have been walking asks: are you willing to offer the poverty of your heart to an unexpected grace called Love? And, not just as a place for love to lay its head, no, a place for God's love to birth new Life.

Sunday - fourth week in Advent

Thirty years ago this moment in the Nativity narrative became deeply poignant for me: suddenly I identified with the story in a new way.  At the time I was very pregnant with my first son and when I heard this part of the story it hit me that when Mary was only a few days away from birthing, she rode on a donkey for ninety-five miles: when I was that close to birthing, sitting on a chair was painful!  The idea of settling my body on a donkey's bony back for that long of a journey was mind-boggling.

Having one's mind boggled has terrific benefits; old certainties scramble and as words and images whir around and settle into a different pattern, a newness awakens.  The new awakening for me was seeing Mary and Joseph in a very human light. What I saw was a very young couple still new in their relationship to one another and learning how to be present; how to understand and respond: how to love within their actions of living.

And, in their actions of living, oh my, the mind-boggling events that had occurred for each of them!  Mary's visitation by an angel and the announcement that not only was she 'with child' but this child was the long awaited Messiah.  Joseph's plans for a normal married life were upended by Mary's news and he also needed an angel to 'boggle' his ideas of how to respond to her.

In Matthew's gospel we are told that after Mary told him of her experience of the angel and was now "being found to be with child by the Holy Spirit" Joseph acted in a very human way. "And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man, and not wanting to disgrace her, desired to put her away secretly." Righteousness indicates that Joseph was a good person: morally correct and law abiding which are terrific qualities for living.  However, what we discover in the layers of story was that his old ideas of goodness would need to be altered in order to live the story God had placed within his heart.

Matthew's recounting of Joseph's story continues with: "but when Joseph had considered this, behold an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream saying, 'Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, for that which has been conceived in her IS of the Holy Spirit ...and Joseph arose from his sleep and did as the angel commanded him." Now, in this story we have two persons awakened to new patterns of perceiving life: both carry in their heart an experience of God's touch by an angel.

When I see the picture above I am aware of their togetherness and their individuality: each had a separate experience of God awakening their heart in a new way and each was asked to trust in faith that their experience would come alive in new birth: their individual stories would slowly entwine into an experience of oneness.

Like we living today, their life unfolded day by day.  We who hear and read their story know it in it's completeness and so it is easy to forget that they also did not know how their living in faith would take shape. Like us, they did not know exactly how the words of their angels would, over time, form into their story of life.

What they did know however was an assurance the angels spoke each time love altered life: Mary, Joseph, Elizabeth, Zechariah, shepherds and kings, were each told "do not be afraid."  Personally, I take great comfort and courage from this kindness of God: God's recognition that it is difficult to accept love: we need the assurance of God's personal love in order to receive the fullness of life.

Today we light the fourth candle on the Advent wreath.  This candle is called the candle of love; may you see within the hot flame of Light, the comforting words, 'do not be afraid' to accept the fullness of God's love.